whybother?

I have survived another week in the Big Smoke. Just. It was a pretty quiet week. Two key members of the group were missing, which affected the group dynamic. Hopefully they’ll be back next time, because they were missed.

Unlike previous weeks, I actually learned a few things this time around. Some of it was very confronting, particularly the Thursday session. I won’t go into details. Suffice to say I had a few beliefs challenged and a few assumptions shot down in flames.

That night, tails between our legs, the majority of us retreated to the safety of the local pub to drown our sorrows.  A few turned into a few more, then a few more, and before I knew it, I was smashed. Bonds between group members which had been tentatively forming were cemented that night. I was quite unwell on Friday morning, but managed to overcome by lunchtime.

We are coming towards the end of our time together, and a kind of melancholy has settled over us. We all agree that our time has been challenging, confronting and tiresome, but we all really value each other and we will miss having regular contact. There are still three weeks to go, but we are already discussing our first ‘reunion’! I’m a bit sceptical. It sounds good now, but in reality, how likely is it that we’ll still feel the same way in six months time? 

When I left school, I had no intentions of keeping up with my former cellmates classmates. True to form, I let all bar one of them go. I’m enjoying the company of these colleagues, and there are a few whose friendship I have come to value, but will it survive separation? Do I want it to? We’ve been plucked from obscurity and forced into a classroom-type situation. We’ve gone through some very intense training together. We don’t really know each other that well. We only think we do. It’s almost like a hostage situation, where the hostages begin to identify with the captors. It’s quite surreal.

In my last job, the group had a very similar experience, except that we lost more than half of our members along the way. Those of us who were left felt like a family. I have stayed in touch with a couple of them, but if I’m honest, it’s because they have been very good about contacting me.

Whilst this is all very deep and meaningful, at the end of the day, these are not people I would normally have connected with. I guess I’m wondering whether or not I will be committed enough to keep the relationships going. Do I care enough? If I stay in this organisation, I may well be working closely with some of these people in the future. Some of them could become my managers! In that sense, it would be prudent to keep the network alive. I would prefer to keep in touch for more altruistic reasons. I have never, ever been a user, and don’t think I ever could. I can’t stomach the idea of keeping these people on the backburner until I one day need them for something. 

I now have two weeks at home. From the 27th of April, it’s week on, week off again until it’s all over. I can’t wait until I no longer have to go through this process. I will be as fully qualified as I am going to be in this position, and my ‘real’ working life can begin. I will have my own clients, my own cases. That will be when I find out whether or not I can cut it. I think I can. After all this, I certainly hope I can. Stay tuned.