What does Christmas mean to you?
I’ve never been a big fan of December 25. The commercialism, the hype, the decorations appearing in stores in September…..
In years gone by, we have ‘hidden’ from the ho ho ho. Pre Child, we often chose to work on Christmas Day, just to avoid the family. For the first few years of Post Child, we did the whole ‘mine in the morning, yours in the afternoon’ thing. Then we went away on holidays for a few years, in an attempt to avoid everybody.
Last year, we could protest no longer. The Full Monty of Christmases finally became unavoidable, inevitable. The families combined, for a two day love in. Ugh. I won’t go into details, but it wasn’t pretty. I blame Christmas Curse Man…
THE STORY OF CHRISTMAS CURSE MAN
I’m standing in the local discount outlet. It’s about a week before Christmas, and I’ve got those few last minute ‘oh, I forgot so and so’s kid’ presents. Festive cheer was absent. It was hot. I was bothered. It was a big case of ‘bah, humbug’.
Suddenly, obese, smelly, old, half-naked
prick gentleman, decides it’s his God given right to push in. Normally, I would just mutter under my breath, go home, and kick the cat, but on this occasion, I’d had enough. So, I barged past him and forced the 14 year old cashier to serve me first. Very mature, very Christian. Very Christmassy. Obese, smelly, old guy took exception to this, and began to abuse me very creatively and colourfully, at the top of his lungs, in front of the whole store. He used some very nasty words, and even called me ugly. That hurt, coming from him. The final insult, however, was his parting shot: "I don’t wish you a merry Christmas. I wish you a miserable Christmas, and I hope every Christmas for the rest of your life is miserable." Thank you so much.
Despite being gobsmacked (I’ve never been cursed before), I could see the funny side of the incident and proceeded to tell all and sundry of the encounter. From that time on, and in light of the fact that it was, in fact, a miserable Christmas, he became known as "Christmas Curse Man".
Fast forward to 2007. Determined to put the past behind me, I embarked on a very merry Christmas regime. We put the tree up. We bought colourful wrapping paper. I bought a Nativity set. I decorated the dining table, very artistically, with baubles and tinsel (very tasteful, let me assure you).
I’m walking through a different discount outlet with a girlfriend, when who should barge in? There he was, larger than life. Fat, smelly, and with the same hawaiian shirt unbuttoned to reveal a hairy torso and man-boobs. I would recognise those man-boobs anywhere. And the tatts.
I grabbed my friend and steered her in the opposite direction, hissing "It’s him, it’s him!" She looked at me as though I had lost my tiny mind. "What?!" she screamed. "It’s Christmas Curse Man!!!!"
Will history repeat itself? Or does eye contact need to happen? Is it possible for one person to curse another forevermore? He didn’t see me. He didn’t see me. He didn’t see me. I wonder what’s in store for this year?